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Young hobo guide to dining etiquette

May 13, 2012

You tenderfoot hobo need some advice!

I know it is difficult to understand how etiquette is important on the hobo trail.  But just remember, if it don’t smell right, don’t bite.  My protegé hobo DJ Kurtie will practically plant his face in his plate to take a sniff.  We know, it looks funny seeing him doing a bow to smell the food.  However, I rather look funny, than have something fighting to get out of my gut!

If you do start chewing and realize you got some bone or gristle, then pull it out with two fingers.  Do not spit it on the floor.  When you pull it out, don’t make an announcement about “Hey, look!”  Now, there is one exception to this dining etiquette.  This can make you some money, if you are at a restaurant.  Start moaning and bitching loud.  The waiter will hustle over to quiet you down, and not scare away the paying customers.  Waiter or waitress will apologize to shut you up.  I cannot take the credit for this, because I saw it practiced by a professional bitcher.  Yes, she was an elderly woman at an Italian restaurant in Chicago THE ITALIAN VILLAGE.  She was with a niece or grand-daughter at a table next to me and my hobo duchess.  She didn’t have anything to spit out and show.  She was just complaining, and often to keep bringing back the waiter.  Finally, the waiter was instructed to tell her dinner was on the house, just shut up.  My wife and I thought the food was great, as always, and did get annoyed by her act.  So after being given the free meals she wanted, she ordered desert for her and guest!  Of course, you ain’t seen anybody work it better and even though the guest was mortified and wanted to disappear, her bitching hostess waited to finish the whole plate of desert.

So, I have to say it pays to bitch, if you want to go through the whole act every time you go out to eat.  Of course, like the young girl, even if you don’t shame you to act like an idiot, your company may not want to join you ever again for a repeat!

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